TRANSITIONING FROM BREASTFEEDING
Foreword
I’d just like to start by saying how grateful I am that I was able to breastfeed. Before I became a mother I had no idea how many women struggle with not only being able to breastfeed their children, but the guilt and expectation around it. I was one of the fortunate ones and I aimed to breastfeed as long as I could until either my daughter or I (or both) felt the time was right to finish.
Positive distraction
A positive side effect of my daughter being so absorbed by returning to nursery is the fact that she has finally been able to go to bed without breastfeeding. We have taken her for a walk in her buggy for 3 nights running and after she has fallen asleep, my husband transfers her to bed. It has been 15.5 months since I had an entire evening off or the ability to make a plan without considering whether she might need me at a particular time. It seems that although trying before to wean off the bedtime feed, the daytime stimulation and devoted time with her parents has given her the positive distraction she needed. As this feed is the only one I have been providing for the past few weeks, it signals the end.
Former pressures
It is worth noting that upon returning to work, I chose to express milk each day. I also ended up feeding throughout the night, often 6 times whilst working a full time job, as well as morning and evening. This was exhausting, unsustainable and not helpful for my mental health, physical health or my employer. I put myself under huge pressure and felt the only way to continue working was to give up breastfeeding. I was ignorant to the idea of only weaning off night feeds and thank goodness I spoke to my friend and my cousin about finding the strength to do so. I dropped to 4 days at work so that I could rest more and start to regain some health. At 12 months old, my husband stepped in to soothe during the night and within a couple of days I was able to soothe her myself and be strong enough not to offer a breast when she cried. I knew in my gut that it wasn’t the right time to give up completely and I stood by my intention of only giving up when she or I felt it was right.
How I feel about transitioning from breastfeeding
I think the transition from breastfeeding is more difficult for me than for her. Although usually when my daughter points at my skin to signify her desire for a breastfeed, I have told her “not now” and distracted her without tears, this morning I just didn’t want to. I missed the special bond so much and felt almost tearful myself at the idea that I might have accidentally finished feeding without the chance to come to terms with it. I am really glad I didn’t try to deal with this feeling on my own. I spoke to my husband and my mum, and I looked for impartial advice. Having reached out to the ‘Oxfordshire Breastfeeding Support’ group on Facebook, I felt comfortable in the fact that I can breastfeed sporadically if necessary to come to terms with the loss of the physical bond and they recommended a great article on ‘Sadness and depression during (and after) weaning’.
This morning, I let her latch and enjoy the comfort of breastfeeding once again, despite a 3 day gap. I found that I enjoyed the empowerment of choice to do this more than the breastfeed itself. Doing this has given me the confidence to know that when I do decide that I am no longer going to provide my milk, I will be ready, because the enjoyment of the feed is indeed waning. I am starting to appreciate cuddles or having her sleep next to me more. I am starting to enjoy the elements of our daughter that have only ever been available to my husband. And for this I am also grateful.