Helen Snape - Risks Of Being A People Pleaser
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Links from this episode:
If you think you are in a coercive controlling relationship and are worried about your partner searching your internet history, use incognito function. In Chrome - it can be found in the top right of your screen by clicking the three vertical dots on a phone or computer. If you are on a Microsoft computer: Hold down CTRL and SHIFT and N keys at the same time to get an incognito browser window. On apple devices, incognito is called a private page when you open a new window.
How to recognise coercive control - by healthline.com
Domestic Abuse- How to get help during lockdown
HELPLINE for Male victims of domestic abuse
HELPLINE for Female victims of domestic abuse
Policy Paper - Cross examination in the family court factsheet - gov.uk
7 Reasons Why Women Don’t Leave - by counsellor Sandra Harewood
Contact Helen Snape
Helen Snape can be contacted via: helensnape.com
Helen is a coach for people pleasers.
Episode Summary
Do you feel selfish if you look after yourself? Helen prided herself on being a giving person. From the biblical phrase, ‘love thy neighbour as you love yourself’, she could understand the love others bit, but she couldn’t grasp the love yourself bit. Surely loving others was good enough?
Helen became a yes woman at work. It became really easy for people to give work to her.
She didn’t want to stand out. She wanted to be liked but not to have attention on her. She tried to blend in.
Helen experienced Repetitive Strain Injury aka RSI and burnout
She burned out at 30. Helen typed non stop, not taking breaks. She would begin to feel pain at night in her arms, wrists and shoulders. Then she started to feel pain whilst at work. When she could no longer type, she had to say something and get some help.
As a people pleaser, she was often very aware of what others needed but had very little awareness of herself.
Helen found herself in a 18 year coercive controlling relationship without recognising the signs
She got into a relationship with someone 10 years older than her at university. He was charming, as they often are and showered her with attention and affection.
He wanted to spend a lot of time alone with her. She would spend less time with friends. He would pick up on how her friends were not nice people, creating divisions between them. He said he felt that her family were being disrespectful towards him. He was separating her from her support network.
He needed his meals at a particular time. If they weren’t ready he’d fly into a rage.
Helen did all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, a full time job and initially a weekend job as well.
From the outside, it looked like a happy relationship. They were affectionate towards each other in public. They felt they loved each other and needed each other.
Her body confidence was pretty good, so a remark against her body didn’t bother her so much. A remark about her being selfish would really hurt, because everything she did was out of selflessness.
If she did something he didn’t like, for example going out with friends, he didn’t necessarily tackle the actual problem, but he would get cross about little things like the soap was in the wrong place. She learned not to repeat her actions.
The below is taken directly from Women’s Aid:
How do you know if you are in a coercive controlling relationship?
Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:
Isolating you from friends and family
Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
Monitoring your time
Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
Controlling your finances
Making threats or intimidating you
You can read more in this article Women’s Aid wrote for The Telegraph