Bex Gunn - Miscarriage - Why Aren't We Talking About It?

Note: There is swearing in this podcast. You may also shed a tear.

In today’s episode I have an incredibly in depth and honest conversation with Bex Gunn about pregnancy loss, miscarriage and infertility. We even throw in there some chat about periods and seminal fluid allergies.

Bex Gunn is a brave and inspiring woman, who I’m proud to call my second cousin. I only wish I had got to know her better before now- better late than never! Bex joined forces with Laura and created The Worst Girl Gang Ever, a podcast for all the warrior women out there who have suffered miscarriage and pregnancy loss. They host a highly successful podcast which received 1000 downloads and over 50 iTunes reviews in week 1!

Bex believes so strongly in this and is fitting it in alongside working in two other businesses, one being Rebecca Campbell Photography and looking after her 3 children under the age of 10.

Women are not just reproductive vessels

It is important to note that not every woman wants to be a mother. Women are not just reproductive vessels and having a baby does not define who we are or make us more of a woman. Some women never get the chance, some choose not to. Some wish they never had. For some having children is all they ever want to achieve in life. 

Who do you know who benefits from these taboos?

To have so many taboos around this subject is crazy. I’m sure everyone of us can think of a couple who we assume haven’t tried yet when they are struggling with fertility issues or have decided not to have children or a couple who is probably trying and likely has experienced disappointments and pregnancy loss without so much as a word about it. 

Who does fertility issues, miscarriage and pregnancy loss affect? Employers and men listen up.

We are all completely uneducated on fertility and pregnancy loss. If you so much as know a women, you will at some point in your life be affected by fertility issues, miscarriage and pregnancy loss, whether that be as a partner, family member, employer or any other relationship.

“Have you had a pain or bleeding?“

Three kids in and Bex was entirely unprepared for the question at her 12 week scan, “have you had any pain or bleeding Rebecca”. 

Bex wants to smash the taboo surrounding miscarriage and pregnancy loss. She wants others to know that women should not feel shame or isolation. She wants to open up the conversation.

There is a complete lack of awareness surrounding trying for a baby. 

At 36 years old you might know the statistics, (1 in 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage), but because you don’t hear about it and you don’t see it, you think those statistics don’t apply to you. Bex thought you were either one of those women who miscarried or you weren’t. She realised how naive she was. After spending the formative years of her life worrying that she may not be able to have children, she tried acupuncture which brought on a period and had 3 successful pregnancies. It was her fourth where it all went wrong.

Confusion over periods, lack of periods or seminal fluid allergy before we even get to trying for a baby

We discuss the confusion of periods and lack of periods followed by birth which may or may not ‘reset’ the reproductive system. We discuss my own fertility concerns prior to trying for a baby including a seminal fluid allergy and what that meant. We discuss her chemical pregnancy following a missed miscarriage where her baby had died at 8 weeks and 5 days, nearly 3 weeks before her 12 week scan. 

How COVID-19 made pregnancy loss even worse

Bex was in hospital, separated from her husband, Rob, by COVID-19 restrictions. She found out that their baby had died and she had to decide which route to take, be it medical management, surgical procedure or natural miscarriage. Rob was stuck in the carpark with their 1 year old daughter unable to see his wife. We often consider the pregnant woman in these circumstances, but what about their partner, male or female who were also dreaming of their future child.

If that wasn’t bad enough, Coronavirus restrictions meant that Rob had to watch his wife struggle walking into hospital whilst heavily bleeding all over the floor from miscarriage. Thankfully the rules have since changed, but for a number of women, an already isolating time was made utterly diabolical through the carnage of COVID-19 restrictions.

Bex Gunn speaking out on miscarriage in COVID-19 lockdown

Bex Gunn wrote about her “miscarriage in lockdown” in the Metro newspaper and posted her story on Facebook, resulting in 20,000 reactions and comments. She received huge numbers of messages of thanks. 

Bex felt that if she could make one person feel less alone during the worst time of their lives, then she’s achieved something. She received a message from a woman in her 70s who said, “This is the first time I’ve ever talked about my miscarriage and seeing your post gave me the courage to speak about it”. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in this way. How is that we are not talking about it?!

There is a difference between grieving someone who has lived and someone who is yet to come to be.

There is a difference between grieving someone who has lived and someone who is yet to come to be. Grieving a baby lost is grieving the imagination of their life. Bex reached out to 2 friends who she’d known had had a miscarriage. They were her absolute pillars.

Early pregnancy tests give us hope

We discuss the anxiety around knowing you’re pregnant early on and then worrying that the pregnancy may not last. We live in a culture where we aren’t willing to wait for things. We struggle to wait the two weeks to see if our period comes. We also discuss rainbow babies, babies which are born after a pregnancy loss. 

What to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage or pregnancy loss

Why is it that saying nothing at all is worse than saying the wrong thing to someone who has lost a baby? It is so important to acknowledge that their baby existed. Bex recommends: “I am sorry. It is sh*t. Is there anything I can do for you?”

What about men when infertility, miscarriage and pregnancy loss occurs?

Women find it easier to talk to each other, but men struggle to know where to go or who to speak to about. How are men meant to express how they’ve been affected in a ‘socially acceptable way’. If you are a man who is aware of a support group for expectant fathers experiencing pregnancy loss and infertility, please reach out to me. I only found this Facebook group: Miscarriage Support For Men

The importance of awareness and discussion of taboos

Awareness is absolutely key. Being able to get past traumas. You can’t get past it when you can’t talk about it, which is why taboos are so limiting. 

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Links from this episode:

If you are listening and have been or are currently going through infertility and pregnancy loss or know someone who is going through it, check out The Worst Girl Gang Ever - podcast (on Spotify or iTunes), Instagram and Facebook group.

Before writing in the Metro, Bex created “One in Four - Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Group“ on Facebook. It has 1851 members, as of 15th Sept 2020.

By contrast, I found a Miscarriage Support For Men with 122 members on the same date.

Tommy’s was mentioned in this episode. This provides baby loss information and support.

We also discussed Rainbow Running Club - running and yoga club for women who  have experienced baby loss or infertility.